"Once you accept its fate, your better off dead."
I really got to stop doing this. Feeling all sorry for myself. I just make a bigger scene. I got to stop acting like such a little bitch. So what if life don't go my way no need to cry over it.
- -------------In progress-----
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Ugh.
"You can all just kiss off into the air, behind my back I can see them stare, They'll hurt me bad, but I wont mind, they'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time."
This quote pretty much sums up my life in a nutshell. I'm so fucking good to people. But time and time again everyone hurts me. Yet I keep being good. Don't be starting fights with others. I fix shit when I can. I'm that shoulder to cry on. Yet time and time again in the end I'm left to myself. I treat all with some amount of respect but I myself am not respected.
Squirrel. I guess thats what they sum my life as. Peanut brain and all. Thats what all of you refer to me. I try to show my intellectual side to all you and then what? He's just a squirrel. Fuck you. I hate you.
I hate that as I walk around with a smile on my face theres always one to tear me down. To crush me. How is it that I'm there for you all when you need help and you repay me by making me feel like what I tried so hard to keep you feeling. Fuck you. I hate you.
I hate you. I hate all of you who judge me. Fuck you. Who are you to judge. You don't know me. None of you do.
But hey thank you. Thank you for making me feel this way. Thank you for once again reinforcing the fact of what I truly am. A nuisance. Just a bother. Something to poke fun of at. Just to boost your own ego. Every single one of you. No exceptions. I've become so superficial just to please all of you.
I guess a life of silence sounds much nicer than the noise I bring.
"This is R-E-A-L-I-T-Y."
This quote pretty much sums up my life in a nutshell. I'm so fucking good to people. But time and time again everyone hurts me. Yet I keep being good. Don't be starting fights with others. I fix shit when I can. I'm that shoulder to cry on. Yet time and time again in the end I'm left to myself. I treat all with some amount of respect but I myself am not respected.
Squirrel. I guess thats what they sum my life as. Peanut brain and all. Thats what all of you refer to me. I try to show my intellectual side to all you and then what? He's just a squirrel. Fuck you. I hate you.
I hate that as I walk around with a smile on my face theres always one to tear me down. To crush me. How is it that I'm there for you all when you need help and you repay me by making me feel like what I tried so hard to keep you feeling. Fuck you. I hate you.
I hate you. I hate all of you who judge me. Fuck you. Who are you to judge. You don't know me. None of you do.
But hey thank you. Thank you for making me feel this way. Thank you for once again reinforcing the fact of what I truly am. A nuisance. Just a bother. Something to poke fun of at. Just to boost your own ego. Every single one of you. No exceptions. I've become so superficial just to please all of you.
I guess a life of silence sounds much nicer than the noise I bring.
"This is R-E-A-L-I-T-Y."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Take me back....
Take me back to simpler times. When the choices we made were rather if we wanted the cookie or the ice cream. Where thirty-five cents was all you needed for snacks. Where we had no worry about anything. When all we waited for was the bell to ring for recess. Before we grew the fear of rejection. Back when crushes were cute and cartoons were great. Take me back.
Time ticks away as I type the next word. Time. What is that anyway. Just a name. How sad that we can describe a persons whole existence in one word. Life. What happens if the next moment is our last. What if everything we had, scratch that, everything we thought we had is all a facade. If everything we thought we did to better our lives didn't mean shit.
It brings me back to a story I heard. Basically his life was told to me like this. Man works hard all his life. He does great in high school, gets into a good college. He works hard in college to be able to get what he wants. The day comes, graduation. He graduates.
Then he passes away that night.
Life eh?
Time ticks away as I type the next word. Time. What is that anyway. Just a name. How sad that we can describe a persons whole existence in one word. Life. What happens if the next moment is our last. What if everything we had, scratch that, everything we thought we had is all a facade. If everything we thought we did to better our lives didn't mean shit.
It brings me back to a story I heard. Basically his life was told to me like this. Man works hard all his life. He does great in high school, gets into a good college. He works hard in college to be able to get what he wants. The day comes, graduation. He graduates.
Then he passes away that night.
Life eh?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
?
So. Yah.
Have alot racing through my head.
I don't want to be thinking about that anymore.
I can't. Whats done is done.
Whatever.
Formspring had honestly made my life pretty confusing yet I can't help but be addicted.
Those questions, but yet I do not know the asker.
Ugh.
Too many people in my life and they all confuse me.
Can it?
Will it?
Should I?
Could I?
I need to meet knew people, a clean slate.
Tabula Rasa.
Have alot racing through my head.
I don't want to be thinking about that anymore.
I can't. Whats done is done.
Whatever.
Formspring had honestly made my life pretty confusing yet I can't help but be addicted.
Those questions, but yet I do not know the asker.
Ugh.
Too many people in my life and they all confuse me.
Can it?
Will it?
Should I?
Could I?
I need to meet knew people, a clean slate.
Tabula Rasa.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
2009: The Recap.
Part I: The Transformation
So this is where it all began. It originally started up around December of 08' but the mission to transform me into something better began during the winter break. Missions were made and the process of breaking out of the shell I placed myself in began. First thing, the clothes. Everything had to go, the tight pants, the tight shirts, the overly use of team clothing. All gone. Took a while, and I couldn't do anything without the advice of them. I could not think for myself. I was like a child learning the ways of the world. Pretty sad really. Second thing, lose the hair cut. Time to let that old cut go and start changing up the hair as well. Confidence began to rise slowly but I was still so dependent on them. Asking them for advice, "the rules" etc. Their goal? To make me into one of them. To raise my confidence up and get girls. Honestly that was the original goal. I really just wanted to get girls like they did. They all made it look so easy. They came in and owned the atmosphere and the girls just came. I wanted that. Soon it evolved from that. I kept moving forward and soon my dependency for them faded. That's not without it's downhills as well. First the girl that I was stuck on. Took a while, got pretty pathetic, that's all I can say about that. Second was the struggle between my morals and what I was becoming. I felt up until the end of the year that who I once was was fading away slowly.
Part II: The Bandits
As we began to hang out more and more, the four of us. Davis, Daniel, Armaan, and I. We all spent New Years together and we began to become close. Every weekend something new. One week the mall where missions ensued always, another lazer quest where I got my Greek name (Cicero), Another week the movies, Angels & Demons. Hot Chocolate on the rooftop, shopping cart antics, idiot on the hood etc. Just times to remember. One day we got the name for the group, it came from Davis' sister; The Bandits. It began with the four of us, anyone who tells you any different is a liar. Going to parties and finding girls. Ahhh the life. Then came Henry, and the heirarchy began as well. Henry, Davis, Armaan, Daniel, then me. But whatever. I was happy. Still the goal to move up and become the guy to get the girls. As time when on Anthony finally became apart of it. He always denied it but we all knew he was bound to be apart of it. Late summer is when my brother came in, but not without initiation.... Around homecoming is when Brady in which he buys Davis his food instead of initiation. Carmen comes later unexpectedly and is the first and still only female bandit. In short thats the story of the bandits, well of 2009.
Part III: Track Season
This season came hard. No real coach so everything that we ran only came from our work. That meant two runs a day to get up to real milage. Me and Hernan were up for it. In retrospect our season was not very fast but we did the best we could with what we had. Hernan became the fastest 800 runner in the school and I became the fastest 2 miler in the school. The mile on the other hand came with our share of close calls. Hernan goes 5:01 and I got 5:03, I go 5:02 and Hernan goes 4:56. Hernan did not run the mile faster due to SAT. The attraction of the 4x4 also got to me and I began to fear the 2 mile. Skipped it at Colony and ran the 4x4, got a :58 split. League finals came and in the mile pre-lims I ran a 4:57 to get to finals. Skipped finals for the 2 mile and ran the race of my life to a best of 10:45. Less than 10 minutes later.... Another 4x4....
1:00 but whatever. Decent season.
Part IV: Cross Country
The preparation began a mere two weeks after track season. Alot of running was done that summer. Milage went up, 10 mile days, 13 mile days, alot of fun. Very calming, very nice. I set up 2 camps for that summer, Silverwood with Chaffey and Runners Workshop. I spent 6 months coming up with the money for Runners Workshop. Saving up coins, allowance, washing cars, etc. I payed it off and was set. Silverwood came and I met some great people. Paul and Rudy where the people I ran with, very consistant runners. On the final day I was asked to join the Roadrunners Running Club and I accepted. Two days later I was off to Malibu for Runners Workshop. Best week of my life. Thanks to everything I learned from the guys I was able to talk to this girl that I saw there(Crissy), needless to say she made that week great for me. I learned alot of running techniques and met alot of great people. The season came and unfortunately for me I was plagued with sickness which destroyed me. The season was filled with disapointing races and a rivalry with Colony in which overtook our whole team. The team destroyed itself because of internal fighting. Unfortunately for us we were not able to break the school record but were able to become the best team in Montclair history. Following a disapointing CIF, I called the roadrunners and joined up with them. Firs passing on Association and taking third at Regionals and then making Nationals. A final race in Reno, best race of my life.
Part V: The Girl
It happened, bad situation. Met her randomly. Hung out during track. She was my first honestly for alot of things. She broke it off. She started talking to me months later telling me how she misses me. We hung out again, find out stuff from a friend. I shrug it off. We went out. She broke up with me after 4 days. We stop talking. She starts talking to me again saying how she misses me. -.- We hang out again and things get confusing... (Dont find out till later). We get together. I end it because I think was going for the wrong reasons. I needed closure and I got it, somewhat I guess.... I made it so that she hates me so that I could finally say goodbye forever. It's hard though cause part of me goes back. but whatever. I said those things knowing what was going to happen. Funny though cause I go back and I get the weird feeling. Ugh. I tried to burn the pic, and honestly at this moment theres a fire in the fireplace. But like I said many times before. I will never forget her. No matter how much I try, its really impossible. The vagueness is used on purpose cause noone needs to know everything. But like I said, it happened.
So this is where it all began. It originally started up around December of 08' but the mission to transform me into something better began during the winter break. Missions were made and the process of breaking out of the shell I placed myself in began. First thing, the clothes. Everything had to go, the tight pants, the tight shirts, the overly use of team clothing. All gone. Took a while, and I couldn't do anything without the advice of them. I could not think for myself. I was like a child learning the ways of the world. Pretty sad really. Second thing, lose the hair cut. Time to let that old cut go and start changing up the hair as well. Confidence began to rise slowly but I was still so dependent on them. Asking them for advice, "the rules" etc. Their goal? To make me into one of them. To raise my confidence up and get girls. Honestly that was the original goal. I really just wanted to get girls like they did. They all made it look so easy. They came in and owned the atmosphere and the girls just came. I wanted that. Soon it evolved from that. I kept moving forward and soon my dependency for them faded. That's not without it's downhills as well. First the girl that I was stuck on. Took a while, got pretty pathetic, that's all I can say about that. Second was the struggle between my morals and what I was becoming. I felt up until the end of the year that who I once was was fading away slowly.
Part II: The Bandits
As we began to hang out more and more, the four of us. Davis, Daniel, Armaan, and I. We all spent New Years together and we began to become close. Every weekend something new. One week the mall where missions ensued always, another lazer quest where I got my Greek name (Cicero), Another week the movies, Angels & Demons. Hot Chocolate on the rooftop, shopping cart antics, idiot on the hood etc. Just times to remember. One day we got the name for the group, it came from Davis' sister; The Bandits. It began with the four of us, anyone who tells you any different is a liar. Going to parties and finding girls. Ahhh the life. Then came Henry, and the heirarchy began as well. Henry, Davis, Armaan, Daniel, then me. But whatever. I was happy. Still the goal to move up and become the guy to get the girls. As time when on Anthony finally became apart of it. He always denied it but we all knew he was bound to be apart of it. Late summer is when my brother came in, but not without initiation.... Around homecoming is when Brady in which he buys Davis his food instead of initiation. Carmen comes later unexpectedly and is the first and still only female bandit. In short thats the story of the bandits, well of 2009.
Part III: Track Season
This season came hard. No real coach so everything that we ran only came from our work. That meant two runs a day to get up to real milage. Me and Hernan were up for it. In retrospect our season was not very fast but we did the best we could with what we had. Hernan became the fastest 800 runner in the school and I became the fastest 2 miler in the school. The mile on the other hand came with our share of close calls. Hernan goes 5:01 and I got 5:03, I go 5:02 and Hernan goes 4:56. Hernan did not run the mile faster due to SAT. The attraction of the 4x4 also got to me and I began to fear the 2 mile. Skipped it at Colony and ran the 4x4, got a :58 split. League finals came and in the mile pre-lims I ran a 4:57 to get to finals. Skipped finals for the 2 mile and ran the race of my life to a best of 10:45. Less than 10 minutes later.... Another 4x4....
1:00 but whatever. Decent season.
Part IV: Cross Country
The preparation began a mere two weeks after track season. Alot of running was done that summer. Milage went up, 10 mile days, 13 mile days, alot of fun. Very calming, very nice. I set up 2 camps for that summer, Silverwood with Chaffey and Runners Workshop. I spent 6 months coming up with the money for Runners Workshop. Saving up coins, allowance, washing cars, etc. I payed it off and was set. Silverwood came and I met some great people. Paul and Rudy where the people I ran with, very consistant runners. On the final day I was asked to join the Roadrunners Running Club and I accepted. Two days later I was off to Malibu for Runners Workshop. Best week of my life. Thanks to everything I learned from the guys I was able to talk to this girl that I saw there(Crissy), needless to say she made that week great for me. I learned alot of running techniques and met alot of great people. The season came and unfortunately for me I was plagued with sickness which destroyed me. The season was filled with disapointing races and a rivalry with Colony in which overtook our whole team. The team destroyed itself because of internal fighting. Unfortunately for us we were not able to break the school record but were able to become the best team in Montclair history. Following a disapointing CIF, I called the roadrunners and joined up with them. Firs passing on Association and taking third at Regionals and then making Nationals. A final race in Reno, best race of my life.
Part V: The Girl
It happened, bad situation. Met her randomly. Hung out during track. She was my first honestly for alot of things. She broke it off. She started talking to me months later telling me how she misses me. We hung out again, find out stuff from a friend. I shrug it off. We went out. She broke up with me after 4 days. We stop talking. She starts talking to me again saying how she misses me. -.- We hang out again and things get confusing... (Dont find out till later). We get together. I end it because I think was going for the wrong reasons. I needed closure and I got it, somewhat I guess.... I made it so that she hates me so that I could finally say goodbye forever. It's hard though cause part of me goes back. but whatever. I said those things knowing what was going to happen. Funny though cause I go back and I get the weird feeling. Ugh. I tried to burn the pic, and honestly at this moment theres a fire in the fireplace. But like I said many times before. I will never forget her. No matter how much I try, its really impossible. The vagueness is used on purpose cause noone needs to know everything. But like I said, it happened.
Friday, January 8, 2010
So today I wake up early like at 6:40 because I want to hang out with someone before I get my wisdom teeth taken out. I go pick her up and we go get some McDonalds and we just talk for a while. Pretty chill but it kinda makes me think that nothing is going to happen.
I come back home and get ready to get teeth pulled out and honestly I'm pretty scared. Thanks to Jazmine for helping me out a bit :]
They start getting to work and it turns out they just numb me so I have to sit through everything. They actually broke two of my teeth to get them out and stitched it up and pulled the other two just out..
Didn''t hurt as much as I thought it would.
The rest of the day was spent chilling at home and I found my wallet!! :D
Oh and I got my grades:
AP Calculus: C+
AP Government/Economics: B
AP English: A
P.E. Aide: A+
AP Statistics: A-
4.2 GPA!
I come back home and get ready to get teeth pulled out and honestly I'm pretty scared. Thanks to Jazmine for helping me out a bit :]
They start getting to work and it turns out they just numb me so I have to sit through everything. They actually broke two of my teeth to get them out and stitched it up and pulled the other two just out..
Didn''t hurt as much as I thought it would.
The rest of the day was spent chilling at home and I found my wallet!! :D
Oh and I got my grades:
AP Calculus: C+
AP Government/Economics: B
AP English: A
P.E. Aide: A+
AP Statistics: A-
4.2 GPA!
