Lost.

Left here. Just thinking to myself. Letting the mind wander. Not good. Not good at all. No progress made with anything. A while back I was happy without any progress but now it has begun to kick in. It is quite bothersome. Eh, I'm on break now. Let's see what that brings me. I want to say I'm not really expecting anything but to be honest I kind of am. I want something to happen to make me happy. I'm not really too content where I am right now.
“The first half of life is spent in longing for the second - the second half in regretting the first”

Pomona Pitzer

As the season has progressed I am continually left more uncertain about what is to happen. It is a bit exciting but also a bit terrifying. To know that I have a lot of pressure on myself, but I am calmed knowing I'm not the only one, we each have a lot of pressure put on us, it comes with the sport. Still I am afraid of having a bad race because I fear that the rest of my team will be angry. That's what continuously goes through my mind day after day as I make my daily routine. It happens at all times except once the workouts begin or when race day finally comes. That day I force myself to not think anything. To let my mind wander becomes my downfall, I just know that I have to focus on the task at hand.

Being the person I am, I am surprised I am able to do this. I spend the whole day questioning myself and basically over-thinking about every single possible thing that occurs in my life. Everything is either not good enough or too good to be true. There seems to be no balance.

I spent most of the week trying to recover from a sickness that had plagued my system since the weekend. I tried to take care of myself as much as I could. Likewise I spent the whole week trying to mentally recover. Mile repeats had destroyed my spirit, I went from being able to crank 5:10's to barely being able to handle 5:40's. I felt horrible. I was left in doubt in more things than just running.

As the day came closer and closer, our first invitational in over two weeks. I was restless, how would I do, could I possibly repeat another performance like UCI? I felt perfect that day and I was now feeling far from that but I made myself think I was ready when in reality I doubted that I could even run 28.

The day finally came. I awoke at about 5:30 AM. I got myself prepared for what was to come. I walked to the Circle K across the street and got my usual Blue Gatorade. I turned on my Zune and to my shock it would not turn on. Dead battery. I charged it the night before but I guess the charger came unplugged. I ran back to my dorm and got my charger. I then drove to the athletic parking lot. I walked up to the athletic building and the upper door was locked. I walk down and the lower door is locked as well. It is 6:02 and I am now late. I need to call someone to open the door but what is this? Of course I lost my cell phone. I run back to my car and cannot find my stupid phone. I walk to a different door and it opens. I walk to the team meeting late and stressed. I finally find a way to charge my Zune. A 20 minute charge will be enough. We receive our race instructions. Go out first 3 miles in 16:00 or faster. It just got real. My goal is to go out in my high school PR. Whatever. It's a challenge and I was going to take this big risk.

We go to the vans and I go to my car to find my phone. Fortunately I find it, unfortunately a little after I find out one of my headphones is now broken. Ugh How was I supposed to focus. I decided to brush it off.

We get to our warm-up. I was far from feeling 100%. I just brushed it off. I completed the warm-up. It had began to rain, this race was going to be interesting. We got to the start and we circle up. Matt gave us a prerace peptalk. I was focused on the task at hand. It was time to basically nut up or shut up.

Ready, Set, BANG!

The race was off. I was left being pushed around in the middle of a huge pack. First loop comes though and I already feel pretty winded. How could this be I'm not even a mile in and I'm feeling like crap. Pass though the first mile in 5:30. I can't believe it, all that effort and it's only a 5:30?! I keep pushing, taking off on the turns. Second mile passes, 10:56, I've picked up the pace slightly. Third mile comes I pass through around 16:20's. I am beginning to really pep up. I am now on pr pace. As mile 4 comes Matt passes me. He looks strong coming through and I just trying to keep my composure. I pass mile 4 at 21:50's. I know I am set to PR. I got to keep pushing. Right ahead of me is 3 Pomona Pitzer guys. Pomona Pitzer is in our conference and I need to catch them. Just ahead of them is Brandon from Fullerton. Brandon beat me last year at Mt. Sac. I was close. Just ahead of him was my counselor Alec. He was the one I wanted to catch the most. These guys were all within reach. I just had to dig deep. They did and I couldn't catch them, the gap was a bit too big. I get to the last 100 meters, the time said 27:10's, I had to go! I was en-route to a PR and I just needed to dig deep. I hit my sprint and almost caught one of them. I cross the finish line and it's 27:26.3. New PR.

We later find out that we got 4th as a team! Amazing.

Unfortunately not all of us were happy. Alex was given a different a different challenge. He was supposed to go out in a time that seemed inconceivable. He was up for the challenge. Unfortunately for him it did not go how he planned. He didn't do as well as he usually does. He was crushed. I have gained a lot of respect for him throughout this season. He went for something knowing there was a high chance of dying out and when he hit the wall he didn't just walk off the course, he kept going. That's how a leader does it. When I came passed him I could tell he was in pain but he didn't give up. If he had we wouldn't have done as well as we did.

Great job ULV XC we all ran great and learned more lessons along the way. When it matters it will all come together.

A year from the day before yesterday.

Received some shocking news from a fellow Track Talk poster. It went something along the lines of "Homeless killed himself!!!!". Now any other person that I know in real life would have taken the news and wouldn't have understood. I told my neighbor about it yesterday night and all he said was "Did you know him?" I responded he was a poster on one of the websites I go on and he just responded "So what.". The reality is although most of us on Track Talk didn't actually know him we still had a connection to him by what he wrote. We lost one of our own last night, a runner, an intellectual. It's sad to see the good people go, especially in the way this happened. Rest In Peace Chris Phillips, although I never had the pleasure of meeting you in person thank you for the contribution that you have brought to this world. As I've seen on both Track Talk and on your website you have had a major impact on many people in this world and it's sad to see you go.

It just reinforces to me what happened a year from the day before yesterday. I remember it like it was yesterday. My neighbor, cousin, younger brother and I had just got back from the football game and we had just bought some beer to party it up that night. We stopped by my house for some reason and all we hear is my dad yell out to us, "Cristobal, Steven, Gabriel, Gerardo, get over here now!" We all were wondering what did we do, are we in trouble etc... We walked over to our neighbors porch and what I saw that night is still instilled in my mind. It was my Gerardo's mother Mari, my neighbor Crystal, and my own mom sobbing frantically. I could even see tears in the eyes of Gerardo's father Gerardo, Crystal's husband Julian and even my own father. All the adults were visibly shaken but we had no idea about what. Julian walks up to us. Julian is a young guy, 25 years old with 3 kids. He has served in the middle east and at the time was in the process of become a sheriff. He usually kept his composure pretty well but not today. I could see it in his eyes, something horrible had just happened. He was a wreck. He tells us, "What I am about to tell you might shock you, if you have any questions I will answer them." We all asked what happened. He replied solemnly, "Angela committed suicide." Needless to say we never expected to hear this. We stood there in shock and Julian asked us, "Do you guys want to know how it happened?" We all said yes. He described what happened in detail and I just have to say nothing anyone teaches you prepares you for something like this. Our own friend hung herself. I walked back to my house in silence. I went to my room and locked the door and tried to cry. I couldn't. I laid there an emotionless wreck, a kid who was overcome with emotions that he didn't even know what to feel just waiting for the moment where the levy would break and the emotions would pour out.

Angela was part of the group ever since we first met her. I remember quite well. I had just got back from my friends party and my dad had told me that there was girls over at my neighbor Julian's house. So I decided to go. That is the night where I first met Angela and Alexis. They were Julian's nieces. They were both pretty crazy girls that didn't care about what they did. They got along well with us. After that night they both began to come over to my neighbors house quite often. We'd hear Angela came to visit and we would be there for the whole day. Our group usually doesn't bring people in. We are a pretty close group that usually fights with each other a lot but in the end still has each others back. We are basically family. She was funny and crazy but inside was a wreck. I still remember the last time I saw her alive, going to fresh and easy because my brother was trying to go vegetarian. So much laughs came out of that day. I never knew that that day would be the last day I could laugh with my friend.

We came to the viewing of her body. The church was filled past capacity and people were forced to stand outside. There was no way to move. I remember seeing everyone in bright colors (the wish of the family), crying their hearts out. I still could not cry. Guys and girls were just sobbing. She had made an impact in many peoples lives and that proved to be true that day. She had so many people to support her yet this was the outcome. As we began to walk to the casket to view her body, it just was time until I finally cracked. I finally got to the front and saw what was supposed to be her. I instantly started bawling. I couldn't take it. It wasn't her. Yes it was her body but it wasn't her. I walked out and sat on the curb and cried. I was in public but I didn't care. I lost my friend.

I still have the image of the funeral engraved into my mind. I was taking care of my little neighbor Adrian. I carried him the whole time while I cried my eyes out. I remember him telling me "What happened to her, what happened?" That broke my heart. I find out later that he was saying, "What happened to dirt?" Oh the innocence of a child. I have The Beatles instilled in my head for life because whenever I hear, Imagine, The Fool on the Hill, or And I love her, I instantly think of her because that's what they played at her funeral. I remember watching that pink casket being placed into the ground. Julian could not take it, he laid in his truck while this all happened. All of this will be engraved into my head forever.

I have always been very open about the subject. Gerardo, Gabriel, and Steven have been the opposite. They are all incredibly angry. It didn't have to happen. We were all there for her if she needed us. I am pretty sure Gabriel will never speak about this. I noticed during the summer that whenever we would drink it would always end up the same, us speaking of Angela. As the anniversary of her death came closer and closer she began to come up in our drunken state more often and it would result in sobbing and anger. Hopefully you are at peace wherever you are Angela, because we miss you a lot.

This should come as a lesson for anyone. Suicide is not the way to go people. You have many people that are willing to lend a hand when you need it. This does not need to happen. It leaves your family and friends a wreck, I know because I began to tear up as I typed this up. If you are in despair talk to someone, anyone. Even if I don't really know you I will be happy to listen and help.

R.I.P. Angela Fuentes (9.17.2009) & Chris "Homeless" Phillips (9.18.2010)

You will be and are missed.

Sincerely,
Cristobal Gutierrez

Breaking Forward.

For the past 3 weeks that I had been running with the team I had felt like I was caught in a slump. First came the 2 mile time trial where I finished in 10:56. I was frustrated to say the least. What resulted from the time trial? Cramped up calves for the rest of the weekend. I felt like crap physically and mentally. I knew I could run faster. What was wrong with me?

Then came practice itself. I struggled to keep up with the team through even the easy runs. Yet somehow I would have great workouts. I ran a pretty good first workout with the team. Hill workout and I stuck with the top guys. Then came the next day. 5k tempo run. I was way behind on the warm-up but as soon as I toed the line for the tempo something in me changed and I was able to run without hurting. Everything flowed perfectly during workouts.

First race came. Fullerton Open. I ran with the mindset of not dying out. The consequence? I ended up running extremely slow. I ran a 29:14 on that course. Good for a number 5 but not good enough for me. I knew I was faster than this. I didn't want to be a crutch for the team. I knew the 1-5 split came to me. I was our number 5 and if I ran slow the split would grow.

The following week I ran like crap for every run except for one. That run? Another workout. Mile repeats. It was 6 in the morning and it was sprinkling. It was a gloomy morning and it was us and the park. The workout was simple. 1 mile, then another, then a 1.5 mile, then a mile, then a last mile. Due to my showing at the last invite my pace was selected to be 5:45 for each mile along with my teammate Bradley.

I laced up my flats and began the workout. Me and Bradley cross the 800 sat 3:10. Way too slow. We have to pick it up. It was pretty tough to negative split on that terrain. Long wet grass and mud puddles throughout made it hard to run fast. I finished my first mile repeat in 5:55. I am clearly not warmed up.

Then comes the second mile. The pace quickens but not by much. I cross the second one at 5:51.

The 1.5 mile comes and the pace quickens there as well. I was feeling better throughout this one. I was catching the front group. Somehow I was not feeling it. I wasn't tired. I tried switching up with Bradley on this one. I took off first 400 and then he lead the next 400. Once we got to the 800 I took off for my turn and I ran alone for the rest of it. I knew I had enough energy to pick up the pace and not feel strained. I finished it within range of the top guys.

Coach approaches us and asks us if we felt up for 2 more because he was wondering if he should cut it down to only 1 more mile repeat. I say I'm ready for two. I knew I had something coming in the last two.

The third mile repeat comes. I am feeling much better on this one. The pace feels more like a cruise rather than struggle. I did the same strategy as I did on the 1.5. I took the lead from the 400 and then switched but halfway through I just decided to take off. I had a lot left in the tank and wanted to try for reaching the top guys. Their pace was 5:30. I finished the repeat at a 5:39.

The last repeat was next. I decided to stay with the lead group for the whole time. at about 800 I make my move forward. There started to be a gap between the top 4 and I wanted to close it up. I did just that. Matt took it with me. I finished the last one in 5:29.

Coach was pleasantly surprised. I knew this is where I was supposed to be at. It was time to step up.

The next day coach offered up a challenge to me in front of the rest of the team. The goal for the top 4 was to stay together through 4 miles. Then there was my name written on the board with the challenge stay with them through 3 miles. Even if I died out I would still run okay. It was just a test.

The second race of my college season had finally come. U.C. Irvine. We had run the coarse as practice and there was not going to be any surprises.

I began my warm-up. I was running pretty well. My ankle was no longer hurting. I actually felt perfect.

We lined up. It was time to race.

BANG! The race went out. The race was huge. 200 people in the race all fighting to get out fast. The race got out extremely fast. I passed through the mile at 5:15. I was supposed to pass through at 5:30. I was going way too fast but I had to keep going. I dug myself into this so I had to hold on. We come up to the hill and I hear my friends name yelled out. *GO PAUL!* Paul was my teammate on my club team. He runs for A.P.U. now. I quickly pass him. I was not going to let him beat me again. I pass through the 2 mile at 10:50. I am running a bit slower due to the hill but I am determined to keep going. Then comes the 3rd mile, I pass through at 16:25. Ahead of pace. I am still feeling relatively alright. I keep going and start to see Matt and A.J., whoa I'm actually in the mix. I pass through the 4 mile at 22:05. I am running with 3 Occidental guys and a Pomona Pitzer guy. A SCIAC dual. I approach the last incline before the finish and the 3 Oxy guys, Pomona guy and Paul overtake me. We come to the final stretch and I maintain my spot. I pass the finish and the time shows


27:33.3

1 minute 41 second PR.

A personal update.

This past week and the week coming will be putting me through so much thinking and so much stress. Before this week I thought I had everything set up. My running, my school, my mind. Within one week it all came crashing around me.

I finally go to talk to my adviser. I picked out every single one of my classes and was incredibly excited for my future. I'm in the nicest dorm, got the perfect classes and found amazing new friends. There's just one thing. My financial status.

The price-tag for happiness: $19,000 a semester. My financial aid status: $0.00

Why?

Something I have no control over. Basically it's come to my parents. Since they are not citizens I cannot get anything. I'm a citizen but have the chance of losing out on college because of something I have no control over.

My solution?

A simple paper pleading the people up there to set me as independent. To make it so that I get the financial aid I rightfully deserve. The scholarship I won. The grant given to me by the school. I've been screwed out of my cal grant by people in the advisement offices in my middle school. Out of all the fucking kids in the school I'm the one that they entered wrong. Figures. -.-

The luck I have huh.

So.

I'm stuck here waiting for the phone call to tell me what's going to be my future. They have my future in their hands and I have to wait up to 21 days when school begins in less than 10. I score into the highest classes and everything and I'm left here not even able to register for my classes.

I have to check out my community college options. Never thought I would be saying that. Oh well. If I end up at a community college I will not be going to ULV.

We'll see what the future has in store for me I guess.

An update.

I haven't had time to post too often like I used to. There's a lot of things I haven't had much time to do. One of those is running. I've been slacking so much. This was the second lowest week of mileage I have had all summer. Under 30 miles this week. How pathetic. My first race was last weekend and I ran a 17:09. I ran an incredibly stupid race. Putting in constant surges on the downhill to lose them but in the end I ended up using up too much energy.

Now on to the week. Highest mileage day was monday, put in 9 miles. Extremely hot now and can't find any reason to run.

I guess I have to find my own motivation. My first 8k is in a couple weeks and I have to be in shape. I will bump up to 80 this week no matter what.

Runners Workshop Idyllwild 2010 Day 1

The day began extremely early. 6:00 AM to be exact. I was awoken by my dad, I had not even heard my alarm clock. For about 10 minutes I contemplated going for a run. I had taken 6 days off just because I had not found the time to run. Scratch that, basically I was too lazy to wake up and run at 6 AM and was too much of a bitch to run at 9pm. Finally I got up and said it’s now or never and laced up the shoes and went off. To say I struggled would be putting it mildly. I haven’t had to put that much effort into a run this short since I was back struggling to get to the top 5 in high school. I began in front of my house. Me in full spandex, sleeves, leggings; I was extremely cold what can I say. I got to the corner at about 1:40 and the half way mark at 2:40, there was no way I was going to run 6 minute pace. I finally arrived at the mile mark at 7:30. I sucked. I turned back. Cruising a bit easier since it was all downhill. I think I got back at 13:49, so about a 6:20 mile to finish it off a first run.
From there I finished packing. It didn’t take that long. I even got some time to shower and what not. I left my house and it was on to Idyllwild. I stopped by my work and put in my sale form. Then the long drive to camp really began. I had gotten about 30 miles in when I realized I was pretty hungry. I decided that I would not stop while I was on the freeway but rather stop after I got off. Right when I got off the freeway I ended up in somewhat of a barren wasteland known I guess as Hemet. I kept thinking to myself that I fucked up, but I kept driving. Finally I reached civilization, and less than a minute in I find a Starbucks. It was only 9:00. I was incredibly early. I wasn’t even supposed to arrive at camp until at least 10:30. So I decided to relax, order a coffee and oatmeal, and write a letter to my best friend who is about to ship off to Berkley. I sent it to her and then left Starbucks. Minutes later she had read it and loved it; that was great to hear.
From then on it was a climb up to Idyllwild. I ended up getting lost. I turned on the street too early and I guess ended up on the wrong side of camp. I turned back and finally found it. Parked and went inside for a counselor meeting. We went over our names and I noticed one runner in particular, I knew who he was. He was one of the top runners in state a couple years back. It was awesome to see him here. Some of these guys and girls were going to some amazing running schools. Berkley, UCLA, Arizona State, Florida State, and even Yale. I met the counselor that was going to be showing me the ropes for the week, Matt Miller. Matt runs for UC Berkley. Soon after we find out who are campers are going to be. We end up getting the Torrey Pines A group. Just for clarification there were 36 Torrey Pines boys coming to the camp. This was going to be an interesting camp. Afterward we got our gear. Asics hooked us up so well. I got a new florescent green jacket and a white jacket, new sweats, new shorts, new shirt, new hat, and new shoes. All for free.
We set up everything and went into our dorms to move in. We brought our stuff in and dressed and went back down to the front office. Now it was time to check in the kids. They came in huge groups. I had to pass out all the water bottles and the nametags/wristbands There was so many cute girls but I was working and that was forbidden lol. I then got into my running clothes and went down to stretches. As it turns out Matt is hurt and I was in charge of the guys. None of them listened to me. It was pretty frustrating. We went off for our run and almost all of them stayed together. I ended up running with one of the guys having trouble with the altitude running. He didn't know it but I was too. Could not show weakness because as far as they knew I was in shape lol. 20 minutes were finished not as hard as the morning 2 miles. Then we went off to dinner. Dinner was spaghetti. So good!

We then got back and it turned out everyone in the group looked up to Matt. He knew how to take control. Then came camp comps. Our group dominated both competitions. Afterward we went off to practice our skits. I was supposed to be in the toothbrush skit but luckily they scratched it. They then introduced us at the campfire. Rick said I was a 3:30 miler, lulz ensued. I introduced myself. Went pretty well. We then went back to our cabins and we had our cabin talks. The guys were really united and funny. Their man dares were so funny. Then lights out came and within five minutes some of the guys came in and asked Matt for some help. Can’t say what it was but the conversation was so funny. I guess it turned into one of their man dares.

MyJourney: First day of practice.

All summer I couldn't wait to go to my first day of practice. This was impossible though because the whole summer I was on vacation. I was in Oklahoma for the summer visiting family. I ran once over there for "training".

I had finally got back on August 5th. I came home to a home being remodeled. Not exactly home sweet home. As I remembered I had no bed or even carpet. I didn't care. I was just excited for practice.

The day finally came. August 7th, 2006. 4 years ago today. My dad gave me a ride to practice. I walked up to the track and it was locked. That threw me off. Then I saw two girls hopping the fence. I asked them about practice. Turned out that practice was tomorrow. I was disappointed. So I called for a ride home and awaited another day.

August 8th, 2006. The day had finally come. I arrived at practice at 6:00. I was a tiny kid of 4'10", 70 something pounds. Yes I was that small. I came in my Vernon P.E. clothes and some old New Balance shoes that I had had since 6th grade. Those were my favorite shoes. I wore my 6 minute mile shirt. I came in pretty confident. I mean I was a 6 minute miler. So I got to the track and sat down. I only knew one person there, Katie. The people sitting were pretty awkwardly quiet while there was some others playing Soccer. Little did I know everyone else there though I was someones little brother. I sat waiting for practice to start and BAM! Soccer ball smashes into my face. Not a good start. I later find out 2 years later that my "brother" Gustavo was the one that did it.

So we all got split into our groups. My group was with Ricardo and his cousin. I started my run with the varsity guys. I could take it. This wasn't so hard. I kept thinking I'm a 6 minute miler! I got to only San Jose Street and had to start walking. My legs hurt with every single step and I still had 1.5 miles to go. I finished the "run".

I arrived home limping. I was so tired that it was hard to even walk the steps up to my house.

When asked if I was going to go again, I said yes.

They didn't think I would make it. 4 years later I am still running.

Part 2: The Mafia.

So we all head back to our dorms. Then people start piling into our dorm, and for what? Jersey Shore season 2 premier. We were all waiting to watch it but had to wait and extra hour for MTV to show it again. We missed the first showing since we had Direct TV in our room. So instead we were left watching re-runs of Fantasy Factory, great show but not what we wanted to see.

So our dorm leader Kevin sees that we are beginning to get bored and restless so he presents a solution to our problem. "Would you guys like to play a game?" We all decided to agree. He presents the game: Mafia. Little did we know this game would bring most of us together. So Kevin describes the rules: We each get dealt a card by god, it can be anything from towns person(2-10), a nurse (Queen of Hearts), a sheriff (King of Spades), or the mafia (Aces). First god tells us to go to sleep, then tells the mafia to wake up, they decide to pick any other person to kill off. Then god tells the mafia to go to sleep and tells the nurse to wake up. The nurse has a choice to make, save themselves or save someone else. Then god tells them to go to sleep. God then tells the sheriff the wake up. The sheriff can pick anyone to accuse and god tells them whether it is the person or not. God tells the sheriff to go to sleep. Then god tells everyone to awake. Then the accusations begin. Anyone can be accused. Then it comes to two people that have been accused. It comes down to a vote. Whoever has the most votes is killed off. Then it keeps going until all the mafia is killed off or the mafia overpowers the townspeople.

So we began playing. We played once and then watched Jersey Shore. Then we began playing again. Then again, and again, and again. Then it got to the point where there was only about 10 people left. We kept playing. We played until 2 AM.

ULV Preview Weekend Part 1:Intro

It began on Thursday July 29, 2010. I woke up that day without even packing and was still putting it off. I awoke at 7:30ish and spent the time just laying in bed looking at stuff on my laptop. Try 2-3 hours slacking off. I finished my first half of running and went home around 11:30. I only had an hour till it started and I hadn't even packed or for a fact showered. I had to move quick. I showered then dumped all the clothes into my luggage. I finally was ready and I headed off.

Hit the freeway and what happens? So much traffic on the freeway. I was going to make it right on time and this shit happens. I exit the first exit and take the streets. I'm about to turn on the street that connects to the school when I remember... I forgot my permission slip. Son of a.... I hit every red light on the way there. Like I wasn't late enough.

I finally arrive at La Verne. I go give my permission slip and Bradley helps me to my room. I spend the time just talking to Bradley, talking about running and stuff, trying to log in.

Then we head out to the Learning Enhancement Center (L.E.C). Bradley and I head to a random table and the seminar began. We began with this exercise where we drew our hands and filled the fingers in with answers to their questions. Then came the exercise that brought most of us together without knowing it. They told us to move to each side of the room depending on what we believed our personalities were like. Turtle, Hawk, Rabbit, or Tiger. I went with Tiger. Then came another exercise in which we were supposed to go with the parts of ourselves that corresponded to what we believed adapted to the questions asked.

Then came the mini club fair. I spent the whole time at the Psych table talking to them regarding their club. I ended up meeting one girl Angelique soon after. She was hilarious to me. Always smiling and was just a pretty chill girl. The funniest part came when Bradley ended up shaking hands with the president of the University when she wanted to do it first. Her reaction was priceless.

Dinner finally came. I ended up eating so much. Davenport was great. I sat with Angelique and Bradley. I made fun of Angelique because of her stupid phone. I mean you basically have to smash the screen to use the touch screen. Such a fail. O.o

Student panel came up next. There I noticed a table with people that were pretty loud and looked like they were having so much fun. I learned a lot from the panel. I'm going to have a tough time.

Then we called it a rap for the day. I went for a quick run. About 3.5 miles cruising rather quickly. Came back and and checked out the street fair. Came in for the hall meeting where they described the rules of the dorm.

Next up: Mafia

Tempo Day/ Preview Weekend Day 1

So today was the day, La Verne preview weekend day 1. I had to wake up early but honestly I couldn't.

I ended up running my run at 10 AM.
The heat was awful.

Got my first 3 miles in at 23 minutes. Easy jog.

Then came the tempo. I put on the flats and went off. I was cruising comfortably but it was getting tough due to the heat. I got it done though. Got it in at 18:06. Nice little 6 minute pace for it.

Then came spotlight weekend. I have met so many cool people. I even got another 3.5 miles in too.

Sorry for the small post, will elaborate later

Bye :D

Total: 9 miles
Week Total: 47 miles.

Mills

The run for the day was supposed to be a 9 miler. Finally I get a break from the 10 mile runs. So what do I chose for my run? Well I could run around my city, no that's too boring. I could run one of our school runs again, no not that again... I get an idea and I hop in my car and head north. Mills.

Mills was our toughest training course in high school. It is a 5 mile course, doesn't seem like much huh.

The thing about the course is that it begins with a slight gradual uphill that many do not notice because they are too busy taking off and going crazy with the pace. Those that did this would soon be seen later at around the 1 mile mark or if they got lucky the 1.5 mile mark. You would see veteran varsity runners slow to a pace that resembled walking, just with more rapid arm movement.

I begin going starting up the pace rather quick. I've ran this course many times and have tried going all out on this. This is my course. I know everything there is to know about it. The hills, the turns, the declines, the mile markers etc.

Back to the description.

At about the half mile mark you get to a hairpin turn that leads you to an incredibly steep uphill. And if that's not enough the top of the hill hairpins so that you have to travel about another half of a mile to get to some kind of flat ground.

I keep pushing as my pace begins to deteriorate. I am running slower yet I am giving more energy then when I was running faster. At around the mile mark I really begin to feel it. My legs begin to really burn as I feel the lactic acid build up. I keep going knowing that there is one a little bit to go and I'm good. First mile is 8:35.

Then comes three hairpin hills. Each bigger than the one before. First flat, then slight incline, then steep.

I hit the first hill and I am taking off, the pressure on my legs has been relieved. Then comes medium and it begins to get a bit tougher. I keep pushing, just one more hill to go and its all downhill. The big hill comes. I sprint to the top. I know from here the downhill will be my rest. The second mile passes by. 9:00.



Once you get past the steep hill it is all downhill. At that point gravity just takes you down the hill making a jog turn into a sprint. From then comes one more steep hill, which becomes easy because of the downhill. Momentum shifts your body forward.

I decide not to fight it, I let the downhill take me as fast as I need to go. I run up the hill easily and arrive at the top.

Then you arrive at a random gazebo at the top. This is where you can take a short breath after the hills.

I take a moment to look at the view and stretch. You can see the whole city from this point. I get to the Gazebo at about 19:30.

Did I mention you're not even half way done...

From then on it becomes easy for the next half of a mile. It's a slight downhill so the gravity quickens the pace.

I begin again and I take off. I am now cruising at a 5/6 minute pace. I feel great.
No more struggling. I get to the 2.5 mile mark at about 21:00.

It dips and you head uphill for a bit then it gets flat. Then comes the biggest hill. The trail curves around the hill and you have to pick up the pace beforehand so you don't have to work to force yourself uphill.

The hill doesn't seem so hard anymore. I have developed a taste for this part. This is fun.

The rest of the run is all downhill. That becomes the most dangerous part. It's about 1.5 miles of downhill, and it hurts. The pace is quick and if you try to slow down you find yourself stomping your feet. Then it finally finishes.

From then on I hold back. No use going all out if I still got 4 miles more to go. I finish the run at 38:08. Fun little jog.

From there I head to the flat course. It's just an out and back 4 mile. I finish that in about 30 minutes.

An Easy 10.

Whenever I would head back to my old team to run I would I always get the same question, "What are you doing today Cris?". My reply would always be the same, "An easy 10.". This would shock some as I would be too if I had heard this when I was in high school. Those two words never seemed to go together correctly.

When the run came it was a different story. As soon as the first step came I knew this would be far from "An easy 10". As each step came my ankle felt like it was going to snap, causing me to always have to cut my run short. An easy 10 turned into a horrible 6, with me having to stop at every light to stretch out my ankle. A run that really should have taken 45 minutes takes almost an hour. Then I stopped going. I needed to get my head together before running the old runs.

Finally I was healthy and I decided to actually try the easy 10. I arrive at the school and watch as everyone stretches. I talk to some of the returning varsity guys, they are pretty nice. I talk to my sort of protege' Luis and ask about his mileage. Turns out he is behind 1 mile so I invite him to come with me. He agrees and we go. This was going to actually be an easy day for me. It's not that the kid is slow, far from it. Since he arrived in high school Luis has been breaking our class records. First breaking our freshman Mt. Sac record,then the 2 mile record. He will eventually set every class record and be the fastest runner to come from our school. The thing that sets him apart from the rest of the fast freshman that have come to our school is his determination. He strives to do his best everyday and has to be one of the most humble people I have met. It's his second year and he has no coach so I began giving him some of my earlier workouts. He will probably top off at 60 this summer. So for his first high mileage summer I can be forcing him on the runs. He's quick but not at the point to be putting down 6 minute pace on runs. So finally I can keep myself from racing another run.

We begin running and are running pretty calmly, talking about running and stuff. Around 3 miles we get into a conversation about German Fernandez. GF came before his time but his enthusiasm as he described the two mile reminds me of how I was when I began getting into all this stuff. It's nice to know he is learning his history. We get to the 5 mile mark at 40:40, 8:05 pace. I needed this kind of recovery run. We head downhill still going pretty good. We about to get to the street that leads to the school when something happens. Crash! Luis drops. I guess a wire clipped him and down he went. He caught himself but he knee took some of the fall as well. He insists we keep going and we finish the run at 1 hour 20 minutes.

Total: 10 miles
Week Total: 29 miles.

A little speed

10 was on the schedule for today's run. Normally I would dread this day, the day of weekly strides but for once I was excited. I was feeling great as of yesterday, and I knew it was going to be another great run.

I head out of my house at 7:00 PM. I head uphill for about 1.8 miles. First mile passes, 6:58. Nice easy pace. I knew I still have time to recover so I kept it relatively conservative. Then comes mile 4 and it's at 28:08. I'm still on relatively great pace. I turn the corner on 6th street and I'm just a straightaway from the college. Then the car across the street rolls down his window. He yells, "Go Cristobal!" It's a friend I haven't seen since my freshman year. Whoa. I pick up the pace. I'm just lost in my shock of the moment. I arrive at the college and it's time for strides.

Every stride is faster than I had the last time. I'm doing strides in trainers yet my 100m are a second faster than last time. I'm feeling great.

I start running back to home. I'm a bit sore, but I still feel great. It's beginning to get dark so I decide to push the pace a bit.

At one mile to go I take off. Rushing home faster and faster as it becomes darker. I'm racing the arrival of night and the night wins. I keep going. Turn the corner. I'm still running great. I finish. 5:58 last mile. I'm still not tired.

Total: 10 miles
Week: 19 miles

My Journey: The Beginning.

Thia is where I begin my story of how I came into running and my journey through high school running. This is supposed to be for a legacy book that I owe my friend Luis. We did these legacy books in order to pass down our story to the younger guys. So this is the beginning of my story.

This is the beginning.

To start this story off we have to start even before high school. My infatuation with running began two years before. It all began in 7th grade P.E. In this class we would usually run "The Mile" once a week. Before middle school I had only ran a mile once before in my life. We did it back in 5th grade and I got somewhere in the range of 12 minutes. Talk about a school that's fit. As I remember there was a lot of walking. So when I arrived in middle school it's pretty reasonable to say that I was pretty unfit. Yes I was still that extremely skinny kid I am now but I hadn't run more than a mile in my life.

So every Friday we would line up and run "The Mile". Everyone always dreaded it but for some reason I was always looking forward to it. I wrote down my best times in my agenda and every Friday I set out to try and beat my time. So every week I lined up and set out to get faster. I had no sense of what was splits, pace, or even how to go out conservatively. It was always a guts out race for me. All out since the start. 8 minutes went down to 7:55 which went down to 7:42 and finally I ended 7th grade with a personal best of 7:29.

I entered 8th grade and I continued to improve. The goal? To break 7:00 for the mile and get into the 6 minute mile club. Our school had a sort of tradition where if you broke 7:00 in the mile twice in a row you would be awarded a shirt like this:



That set you out from the rest. As the year progressed I also progressed as well. I was running faster every mile and even began adding extra laps afterward. People thought I was crazy because I looked forward to the next mile. I saw it as a test, to see how fast I really was.

It came down the last two official weeks of P.E.. I had been running 7:10's and I had to try and break 7:00 these last two times to get the shirt.

The first one came and I took off and left it all on that grass field. Cross the finish..... 6:59! Just one more and I could finally get the shirt. The last time came and I took off again, lactic acid building up in laps 3 and 4 due to going out so fast. I pushed as hard as I could knowing this would be my final chance to get the shirt. My legs burned and my heart was racing, I had one lap to go. Then the final straightaway came I gave it all I had, 6:59. I finally doubled. One week later I got the shirt. As you can see I still have it now.

My beginning is pretty simple, no track or cross country team, no training, just a simple P.E. kid that enjoyed challenging himself in "The Mile". It began there in the field of Vernon Middle School that I was set out to become what I am today.

Next up: The First Day.

I'm Back!

After a whole summer of limping every single one of my runs I finally had a fast long run. I had done a shorter version of this last Friday and had remembered my splits pretty well. My Friday run went a little something like this:

1.25 miles: 9:15
Somewhere between 2 miles and 2.25: 14:56
3.75 miles: 28:55
7.5 miles: ~58:00

Pretty slow run. Stupid ankle was bugging me.

So today it was time to get to work on my miles. 70 miles is the goal for this week so it looks like it's going to be another long week. It's 6:30 and I arrive at the trails in Claremont. It's 6 PM but it's still pretty warm out. I stretch myself out a bit and hit the trail.

Surprisingly my legs felt fine. I had what I was missing for months, control. Control of the pace I wanted to run, if I wanted to go faster I could without feeling like my ankle was going to pop. I had control over how I wanted to run this run and I decided early on that I was going to test the limits of my body.

I am cruising through this run rather quickly. As soon as I pass through 800 meters I begin thinking, "Wow my training is paying off." I pass through 2000 meters at 8 minutes flat, a minute and 15 seconds ahead from a run I did less than a week ago. As I pass the mark and check my stopwatch I am instantly filled with joy. I keep cruising down step by step quicker and quicker as each stride passes through each mile with time passing by and me just having a great time.

The run is still going well, I feel great. It's just me and the trail. I zoom past the "2 mile mark" it says 11:56, whoa. I am running 5 minute pace! Then I pass the middle of the 2 and 2.25 mile marks, 12:55, 2 minutes faster than where I was at last week.

A minute passes by and I come out of the trail, it's time for street running for another 2.5 miles. From here on out it begins with a steep uphill for about 400 meters and then a gradual downhill for another mile and a gradual uphill to the turn around point.

I cruise up the hill with ease, it's as though I'm running flat. Then the downhill comes and I begin to play it very cautious, don't need to be getting hurt here. I pass fruit street, less than a mile to go. I pass by the 3.75 mile mark, 25:04, holy crap almost 4 minutes.

Then comes 4 miles, 26:45. Nice pace, I haven't even broken a sweat. I'm on my way to the 4.5 mile mark and ahead of me are some kids on their bikes. I begin to pick up the pace, my 6:30 pace has turned to 6:00 pace will no signs of slowing down. I pass them and one kid decides to try and race me, I hit the light and it's about to turn red..... SPRINT! I make it, he stops. Nice little race.

I arrive at the 4.5 mile mark at 29:46, on my way to sub 60.

I turn around and it's basically all uphill from here. That's when the pain begins to resurface. Slowly but surely it begins to take toll. Not as bad but I know I have to slow it down so I can recover.

I finally finish the run in 1 hour 2 minutes and 22 seconds.

Sub 7:00 mile pace.

A good start.

Week Total: 9 miles

Carbon Canyon

The day began extremely early. How early? Try 4:56 AM. Awake after my alarm rang for the third time in 6 long minutes. Sleep deprivation again, haven't been able to sleep comfortably in weeks. I awoke logged on and got directions for coach's house. I take a shower and get dressed. It's now 5:29 AM. Start up the car and I'm off, it is now 5:31 AM. Mapquest says 29 minutes. I say I can get there faster than that.

I arrive in Yorba Linda at 5:53. 22 Minutes. Told you I'd make it there with time to spare.

The run in mind was going to be another easy 10 miles.

The run began. Something clicked in my head. It's time to try to keep up. I am supposed to be running with this group. We ran up to Carbon Canyon. We pass that spot where my race was destroyed here less than a year ago.

It was senior year. It was the day of Brea Invitational 2009. The last time I came here was freshman year, I remembered the race quite well and knew what to watch out for, at least I thought I did. 4 years had changed a lot. I was 6 minutes faster than my first race, I was more than a foot taller, and I was no longer running frosh/soph but rather 1/2's. Brea is set up like this, A race with just the 1's and 2's, then another race with the 3's and 4's, and then a race with 4's 5's and 6's. The race was stacked, I knew the teams involved, Arcadia, Esperanza, Valencia, Brea, and of coarse our rival schools Colony and Azusa. Colony was our league rival, we had been wanting to beat them for years and were the team holding us back from taking league champs. Azusa was Alex and I's rival. They had two guys that beat us at our season opener, they wore racing shoes and we wore trainers. This was our time to finally show them that the first race was just a fluke. Bang! The race began and soon we were all packed in tight. Elbows brushing other runners legs somehow not tripping over the ones next to us. I was 400 meters into it when it happened. We begin running through the side of a playground. Person two in front of me moves out of the way of an oncoming bench. Person in front of me hits it head on, I fly over him and my knee smashes into concrete. Leg is completely bloody and this should have been the end of the story. Instead I get myself up and keep going. I had a medal streak going and I was not going to break it because I fell. So the race continues and we begin running through what seems like beach sand. You can't really pass people because it is too narrow so you are basically just tiring yourself out. All throughout this I can see my teammate and the Azusa guy battling. I can't do anything about it. I just keep going as my cuts begin to get covered up with sand. So painful. We hit the downhill and coach yells, "You are in 35th, lets get that medal." I put the hammer down and pass people instantly, 1 goes by 34, 2 goes by 33, 3 goes by 32, 4 goes by 31, 5 goes by 30, and the sixth guy barely outs me for 29th. I had no idea what was going on, all I knew is that I got the last medal.

It gave me a strange feeling to pass this place. But I couldn't stay I had to keep going. Teammates end up losing me at 4 miles, turns out they picked it up to 6:30 pace. I am left running on my own encouraging myself to keep going even though my ankle feels like it is going to snap after each unforgiving step. I finally arrive at the 6 mile mark at 46 minutes. Nice solid sub 8 pace. I get some time to relax. Then we are off back to coach's house. 6 miles to go. Surprisingly after 6 miles my pace has relaxed but has quickened. It's just Bradley, AJ and I running pretty relaxed talking about camp. One thing that connects all of us, something we didn't know at the time is that we are all Runner's Workshop Alumni. Crazy huh. We pass two high school teams on the way back, Villa Park and Valencia. They had such huge teams.

I finish the run at a time of 1 hour 29 minutes. Right under sub 7:30 pace.

The top guys get back soon after. We eat donuts at coach's house.

Then we head off to Original Pancake house. It's just Matt, AJ, Bradley and I there. Speaking of past relationships, hopefully future relationships, and just other random stuff. It was a nice break from all the running. The food was amazing.

Cherry crepes are so bomb!



Week Total:46

Straight Up Rantin', (Personal)

I have been meaning to do this for a while but haven't had the time. Through this summer I have gained so much miles to my training but also in the process have lost many people that were close to me. Now it's time to explain myself so lets start shall we.

It began with T. I did her a solid by telling her something that could have ended my friendship with one of my closest friends. Why risk it? I hate cheating plain and simple, and the fact that it was one of my friends made it worse.I couldn't stand to look at her knowing he was playing her the fool. He saw her as a summer fling but I knew she liked him a lot. What's a friend to do. I finally told her. I asked her to do me a favor and not tell him she knew. No going off on him no blogs no nothing. Her words, "Chill I won't.". I believed her, but I warned her that if she didn't I would never speak to her again. What happens next? She does the one thing I told her not to do. She blogged it. She says, "Don't worry I didn't use your name.". How fucking stupid can you be. There was only 4 people left in the group and I was the only one that talked to him. Just because you couldn't keep your goddamn mouth shut it all goes to shit. The worse thing, the idiot crawls back to him like a pathetic sick puppy. Idiot. I have dropped in on your blog once or twice and wow. You speak of all these immature people when you in fact are being described in your own writing. You are psycho and clingy, and hate on people due to jealousy. Hating on people that have nothing to do with your life. As a friend said, "She is making me hate blogs."

Next comes D. So he finds out. Yeah I knew he did. He said he wasn't tripping because he wanted to break up with her anyway. I knew it was different. A guy doesn't allowed himself to get exposed and does nothing. I invite him to come to the beach with us for my cousin's last day, I was going to apologize for everything that day. I had been meaning to. I later find out he said if he saw me he would punch me in the face. Yeah? Is that how you're going to handle it. You have continually fucked with me for years. You have gone to far extremes to make me seem like you were superior to me. You have embarrassed me in public saying that was nothing, not even at the status of a normal person. Then hitting me in the back of Henry's car. You didn't think I remembered that huh. You had all this coming. You were a shitty friend to me and good riddance.

Then comes H. So it seems the guy we can all trust has been saying stuff behind my back. Saying that I have been talking shit about him behind his back. Saying that he can't trust me. Out of everyone you were one I respected the most. Fuck it you're gone too.

Although this means I can no longer hang out with my best friend that often because of these people so what. I am left with me and my goals and that's where I like to be.

Of coarse there are more and I will post more later but I just had to clear this story up. College is coming up and why surround myself with those that despise and plot to tear me down when I can just keep pounding down the miles and move forward. As each mile comes I move farther and farther away from you and lets just say, good riddance.

A Disapointing End I Guess,,,,

Well the end of the week didn't end exactly like I would have liked it. I had 22 miles left by the end of Thursday.

Friday:
The day began to get later and later and by the time it came to run I realized I had no one to run with. Hernan was working and Kevin was in San Fransisco. I ended up doing an easy 6 miles on the Euclid trail. Would have done more but it got dark.

Total Mileage: 54

Saturday:
Saturday ended up being the hottest day of the summer for me. I could only handle doing 10 miles. The heat got to me quick and I just wanted to get out of it.

Total Mileage: 64

I will not let this happen again, minor setback, a learning experience.

Well I guess till next week I guess,

Double The Runs, Double The Thinking,

I absolutely dread double days. Now that the heat has picked up in this crazy Southern California city, I have to start running twice a day. A short run in the morning before the heat absolutely fries me, as if I'm not fried enough as it is, and a medium to long type run in the evening. The only problem that occurs is I'm always too lazy to wake up. Take today for example,

I set my alarm to beep at 7am but after constant uses of the snooze button I finally arise at 7:45. Not really slept the night before but I knew I had to be up early. Made a deal with my mom where if I left the house spotless she would take me out to buy the new shoes I have been needing for so long. So eh why not put a run in the morning to lighten the load. I lace up my Saucony's, knowing quite well that this would most likely be the last run I would have in these, and went outside.

Fuckkkkkkkk. I have not felt the heat so much since last summer. I wanted to go back inside my air conditioned house but I knew better then to do this. 30 minutes of running and it'll be over, just 4 miles of hell.

And hell it was. I covered the first two miles in 14:45, feeling like I am racing this just to get done.

The awful thing about these runs is that it's usually not long enough for me to get into my groove, which usually ends up happening around mile 5. Instead all I'm left thinking is why am I running in this hell.

I finally get to the turn around point and it's time to pick up the pace. At the time ticked away, the temperature arose.

I was hitting about 6:50 pace when I hit the 3 mile mark and the heat finally got to me. For some reason I felt like I was going to be sick. I just reminded myself that it was probably from lack of food and that I would be done in less than 10 minutes.

I finally finished it, sub 30 for a 4 mile.

Total Mileage: 40

I came back home and took a cold shower. So refreshing. I did absolutely nothing for the next hour just because I felt like shit.

I finally cleaned my house and my mom came and took me to go to Top Speed Running. They put me on the treadmill and it turns out I can now wear neutral shoes! So relieved. They brought out two Asics shoes, one Addidas, one, New Balance, and one Brooks. I took some time running in each around the store, my choice?


Brooks Glycerin 8.

I took these shoes out for a test run with the old high school team. Their coach wasn't there so it meant we were allowed to come run with them. So I called up Kevin to join us. He agrees and we head out to Montclair High School. We wait a while for the kids to get stretched. As always one acts like a total douchbag, but whatever, he is nothing to me anymore.

We begin our run and are traveling pretty well. Talking to everyone in our group, Kevin, Hernan, and Luis. About 2 1/2 miles into it Kevin turns due to having problems from the day before. Another 1/4 mile into it and Luis turns because he had just ran 6 miles. We stop at Claremont McKenna and Hernan and I decide to put down an easy 2 miles on the track so we wouldn't have to travel much more uphill.

We begin.

1st 800 comes at about a 3:09. Still feeling pretty fresh. Some eye candy on the track as well which made the run much nicer.

Mile 1 comes at a 6:34, we slowed the pace down quite significantly realizing that we were traveling faster and closer to tempo territory.

Hernan drops off at the mile mark to get some water and for some reason something clicks in me to try an easy tempo.

First 400, 1:30
Second 400:1:31
Third 400:1:31

As I see my watch at the 1200 mark I notice I'm off pace by a bit and add a small surge to get it back. As I come into the last 100 I do not even look at the watch, I pass the two mile mark and click.

6:00, nice.

From then on comes the cooldownish recovery run. We ended up finishing the run at 59:28. Nice easy run.

Total Milage: 48

As the day comes to a close I have a pretty interesting discussion with my neighbor. Many say that he is an idiot and lacks intelligence but after all these years I have come to understand that behind his tough exterior lies a complex and confusing person.

I admitted to him something that I have not said to anyone else. Something that I am incredibly not proud of. For some reason this has crept into my thoughts once again. It began with me joking around but ended with a realization that I do not like to admit. The person has invaded my thoughts once again. Him and I were left in similar situations, by his terms, "We got fucked with." So why now?

A Night Run.

Night runs do not come often to younger runners. The world restrains us from having these adventures. When they come, they are always a good memory.

Something about the night changes me. Everything feels easier. The pace is much faster than something I would be able to do at lets sat 1pm but yet the pace feels easier than that.

You lace up the shoes and go out, at a time where many are already tucked away in their comfortable houses.

I mean the run itself brings many different elements. Elements that do not usually come when I run in the afternoon. A slight sense of danger, but yet that's what keeps me going.

You go out into the twilight, nothing showing your path but the next streetlight several yards away.

I feel so swift when I run at this time. Nothing holds me back. It's just me, the road, and my time, counting down until this illusion of a peaceful world ends and I must shift back to reality.

The nice breeze blowing past you as you take the next step, your next minute, your next mile, your next hour.

It's so easy to get lost in these runs. I start and next thing I know I'm five miles into it cruising at a comfortable 6:50 pace, and I still got 5 miles to go.

Time passes right in front of you while your stopwatch counts down the time till your dream is over. Reality is moving forward while your time is counting down and you are lost in your own world as though time has ceased to become a factor.

By the end of the run I find something familiar that reminds me that I am about to finish. This run is about to be finished. It's as if this is just a dream and when the clock strikes and I take my last step I am back to reality.

You turn into the last corner of this seemingly endless adventure, but instead of it being something dim and unfamiliar it is rather something that clicks in your head and sends you back. You are done.

8 nice miles tonight.
36 week total so far.
Behind 1 mile.

Alone.

The calmest runs for me come when I'm running alone. Just me and the music blasting in my ears as each song progresses to the next. Many do not like running with their I-Pods, and it makes any runner look like just something as trivial as the average jogger. I don't know where I began doing it but running with my I-pod just gives me the extra motivation I need, especially around mile 5 or 6, when I know I still have another 5/6 miles to go. It takes you into another world, still able to see the beauty in the world but without all the noise everyone brings to it.

Sunday:

The day was set to be a 9 mile run. This week will be the highest mileage I have ever done in my life. 70 miles. Last week was disapointing to say the least. Only 28 miles done because I wasn't able to run most of those days due to my ankle. This week I said it's done. I'm not going to let this ankle problem get to me any longer. I'm not going to let it hold me back. We ended up going to the beach with family and friends. It was my younger cousin's last day in California so we wanted to end it on a good note. I'm having a good time just laying in the sand just chilling in Huntington Beach. Around 7:20ish I finally get myself up to go run. I finally have what I've been missing, discipline. I'm going to need it for this season. Too long I have stood by and let days and miles go by. So I lace up the shoes and go. I'm running on the bike path cruising at about a 7:30ish pace. The plan for the run was 36 minutes out and 36 minutes back so that it would come to about 9 miles. Someone asked me how do I know how many miles I do. I know now that I never run about an 8 minute pace on my runs so I always multiply my miles by 8 minutes. There will always be some extra miles in there but it's better than being behind. The beginning of the run was filled with ankle pains. It all went away around 15 minutes into the run. That's when out of nowhere a little girl runs right into me. That's when I bust a spin move and completely miss hitting her. It was epic. From then on the pains began to fade. It was just me and my music. As I began getting closer and closer to 36 minutes I could see the sun set. That was the most beautiful thing I have seen in a while. As I came closer and closer to the time the sun began to fade away as well. When I reached it I didn't stop. Something in me told me to keep going. I got to the next stop light and kept going because I saw something familiar, a big building at Bolsa Chica. I had no idea I had gone that far. 43 minutes. I sat down and stretched for a bit. Then I knew I had to go back. I had to get back quite fast because the sun was coming down. It was as though I was racing against the sunset, trying to beat the night from coming first. By this time I was basically alone on the bike path. Everyone had pretty much either gone to their campfire or gone home. It was peaceful but also a bit unsettling. It was hard to see so I had no idea what was coming next, or quite frankly where my car was. By this time my mind had already left me, I was feeling the runners high. That's the point where you don't have enough oxygen going into your brain so you get the sensation of being high without smoking. The body's pain goes away and nothing else matters, it's just you and the trail. I finally finish the run at 1 hour 28 minutes. 12 miles.

Monday:

As every Monday, this day was set to be the speed training of the week. 8 miles of regular running with 8 strides, equaling this day to 10 miles. I kept postponing the run till later and later until finally at 7:40 I decide to go out and run. I start from my house and go up Benson Ave to the 210 freeway; 2.8 miles and then turn left to go to Mills, another 2 miles. From then another two miles of downhill through the Claremont Colleges. I love running through a school it just adds a little excitement to the run. I stop at the track, 6 miles into the run. It's time for the strides, but first I put in a quick mile. I'm just jogging and hit stop on the time and it's a 6:50 mile. Nice way to warm up. Neighbor comes with my Spikes and it's time for my strides. First mile, 3 100m's at 15.8ish and one slow one at 16. Second mile, two 100m's at 15.8ish and two at 14ish. 9 miles done one more to go. It's night now, no lights on the track. No I-pod to keep me entertained just the watch to keep me focused. First lap slow at 2:01, then a 1:53, then another 1:53 and closed with a 1:40ish. Nice little jog to finish the day.
Another 10 miles and still ahead of my miles.

Another Saturday Run

Saturday runs as much as I would like to deny, are the days I dread. Not because of the people. On the contrary, I love meeting with my new team. They are amazing. The runs themselves scare me. They are long runs but the pace is just something that I can't take. It's really as though I am racing every Saturday. It's crazy how the other recruits make it look so easy. The new recruits are all around my time but they don't struggle while I am just trying to catch up. It hurts a bit, both mentally and physically. I'm not really used to trying to get the front pack. I was usually the front pack. Now I got to build and it seems like it's freshman year all over again. Why can 't I handle this pace? Oh yeah that's right it's because of the last couple years being forced to run at 8/9 minute pace when I should have been running 6/7. Thanks again coach....

Well enough venting.

Today I decided to run my run today and not try to push it like I have had to the past weeks. Jasper brought a friend over to come run with us. From the start of the run I was struggling and decided to cut it back to 10 miles for the day. Jasper's friend Angel began to cut back as well. From the beginning we began talking. Turns out he's a high school senior coming off of a 16:17 junior season. Knows his stuff pretty well and is determined. It will be fun to see what he does. The run itself was extremely calm. The pace was nice. Not fast at all. We finished around 1 hour 25. 8 minute pace but it was what my ankle needed at this point. I need to let it heal.

Afterward we went to one of the local restaurants. Had a double cheeseburger with fries and a coke. Great breakfast. We had a lot of great talks at the table and I also began to pick up some vibes from the team. The guy's are fun to hang out with. Jasper and Sean are a riot. So funny. Alex is a pretty chill guy. Can't wait to run steeple! Matt is always there to help when I need it. Micaela is just the friendliest person ever. The season looks to be looking great.

An Interesting Week to Say the Least

This week has been one of the most simple yet fulfilling weeks of my life.

Monday:
The day was scheduled to be an 8 miler. It was hot the whole day but for some reason I was really excited about my run for the day. I call up Hernan and ask him if he would like to go running. He agrees and I tell him to bring his racing shoes because I was finally going to get back on track with my summer schedule. The day was scheduled to be split up with a 6 mile run and then 2 mile strides at Claremont McKenna. We decided to drive up to the Euclid trail. For those that do not know the Euclid Trail is just a trail that is in the middle of a busy street with 3 miles beginning at Foothill (12th Street) straight up hill and then a turn around at 24th street leading to another 3 miles of downhill. A very boring and hellish run in the day but a very calm and serene run in the evening. We begin and we are running at about a 7:30ish pace and get to the fire station at 24th street in about 22:50. At the turn around we began to get lost in our pace. We were both coming off ankle pains in the past weeks but when the downhill came it was all gone. We hit our first mile at about 6:20 pace cruising at what felt like a slow comfortable pace. When we hit the mile marker we decided to pick it up us moving stride for stride quicker and quicker while we talked about different kinds of random stuff that we always seem to bring up. When we hit the next mile mark we both agreed to slow the pace down because we were getting too ahead of ourselves. We cooled it down to a 6:40 mile and ended that day with a 41 minute 6 mile run. We get in the car and head to the claremont colleges. There we began our strides. 6 was on my list with another 800 meters to bring it to 8 miles for the day. The strides felt great and during them we noticed another runner on the track. The guy looked like a college guy and he pace looked much faster than we could possibly run and he made it look easy. Hernan jokes around like always saying he could beat him but we both knew the guy was legit. We finish and the guy asks us what school we go to. I say mine and Hernan says his and I ask him if he is from CMS and he says "No I'm from Whittier College". We continue to ask questions like why is he running here and where is he from. Turns out the guy lives in Montclair and we were like we are too. He tells us where he lives and it turns out he lives 4 houses down from me. Crazy. He says he really doesn't have people to run with and asks if we are down to run with him. We oblige and I found another training partner. Then Taco Bell afterwords. Such a crazy day.

Tuesday:
Another day another 8 miler. I hit up Kevin the new training partner and we set up a run. We head to some place by Bonelli, some place called Walnut Creek. We start running at 1 pm. Right in the middle of the heat. The trail was crazy, so much jumping over streams and climbing rocks. True cross country right there. Hernan kept falling into every stream and his shoes just look like he was running in mud shoes. We decide to make the remainder of the run into a street run. Bad choice. The rest of the run was steep uphill. Hernan faded when we hit Via Verde and caught us up when we reached the downhill. We were exhausted because of the heat but it was an accomplished 8 miles.

Wendsday:
The run for the week was a mystery like the rest of the week. Kevin picks me up and we are driving to where we are going but I don't ask where we are going; the mystery makes it more fun. After a short drive we stop at the Claremont Colleges. I thought at first, "Ugh a street run..." but fortunately for me we ended up making a turn into Pomona Pitzer then he asks if I want to see the Regional course. I of coarse say yes and we begin. A lot of loops and needless to say the run was nice. We began talking about our team atmosphere, partying/running lifestyle, specific people our high school teams. After quite a while of Alex blowing me off about me trying to help him I finally tell Kevin how he really acts. I mean a guy can only be nice for so long. It was a nice run. Shorter than I would like but still got 7 miles in.

Thursday:
The run was another mystery. I got picked up at the usual time and we headed off. We end up parking on Via Verde, and I'm like oh no the trail again. We ended up running to Bonelli Park. We hit a trail that I am familiar of but then hit an unfamiliar turn. He then asks if I want to run to his old high school, I say yes. We end up jumping the creek and turn right at the fork in the road. We hop the fence into a residential area and then pass another one to get out. I realize where I am.... I'm a block away from my mom's work and ULV! We end up getting to his old high school, wow the campus was beautiful. 3 gyms, a whole mess of fields, such a nice campus. We turn back and we hop another fence and end up next to the residential area another jumped fence and we end up in Bonelli Park. Nice day. 9 miles.

Friday:
I was incredibly lazy the whole day. Only went on a 3 mile run. It was 6 minute pace the whole way. Nice run, but not a good run day. Ended up going clubbing with friends that and came back at 12 am.

Saturday:
Didn't sleep that night. Got up out of bed at 6 AM and drove to La Verne. A 12 miler set for the day. The run there was perfect, nice and fast but the run back was filled with many problems. Bathroom stop and just ankle beginning to give way. Afterward we went out to eat at one of the local restaurants. That was some good food and the conversation's were hilarious. Funniest line of the day, Jasper, "He had cancer!?". Later I head to the beach with the family. I end up putting another 4 miler to the day. The night was nice and the pace was quick. Total for the day 16 miles.

Week total: 51

On a good one.

On a good one. That term is used so often around my home life. The phrase is used to describe a person who is passed buzzed but not yet drunk. Interchangeable with tipsy but around here tipsy is only used for girls. How does the phrase connect to me right now? No I am not under the influence of alcohol right now. Rather it connects to the state that I am in at the moment. I'm at sort of an equilibrium. Life is extremely calm and carefree just how I've wanted it to be for a while. No my life is not perfect; it is far from it, but I'm okay with that right now. It's just so simple right now. No I don't have a specific girl in my life, but I'm fine with that. I'm just going with the flow. Everything just seems to be falling into place for me. Running is getting back to the place where it once was, a kind of escape from reality instead of a dreadful chore. I put the headphones on and I'm off every day at this point 8+ miles a day. I don't see it as a chore anymore but more of an adventure just like life. I don't see either as work but rather going out and discovering different roads and trails to go on, some amazing, and other excruciatingly awful, but that is the fun part. Everything is starting to connect. I am where I want to be. Sure I don't have some of my closest friends with me anymore but I have met some new people that have welcomed me into their sort of family that I have been longing for ever since I had a taste of it my freshman year.
Online has been shook up as well. With the attempt by some to collapse the community of runners that had been built on Dyestat, many were left in despair. Now many of those on the outside of it may think, "Oh it's just a stupid track website.", but to us it was more than that. It was a place where we could all come together and although many of us had differing points of view we were all united under one thing, running. Running had played a part in our lives one way or another, and with the end coming near we all came together that fateful night. One chat room. 12 members on camera and a total of ~75 people in there waiting to see what happens next. 9:00 strikes and it's over. Surprisingly even with all that the community still managed to find a solution, Tracktalk.net. Made by the people for the people. Within day 1 we had already gotten an offer from runnerspace to help us. Amazing what people can do when they come together.
Now I sit here in my room alone but not sad. I'm happy where I am at right now. I awoke this morning and said "Wow I'm happy where I am."

Keep going a bit

Why the need to follow me on this. Why the need to call me out on your formspring. Why the need to insist on adding me on facebook. Honestly I would not be ranting if you would have just left it as is. But noo. You had to pick at it and call out my lil bro. You called me a bitch to my lil bro. Then knowing that you did that you go on to say goodnight like nothing. Then tell me not to be rude and text back. Honestly none of the telling off would have occurred because quite frankly your not worth my time. But you kept picking at it. Good job you are now the first girl I have ever referred to as an obscenity.

Lets vent shall we :]

Well for me its a time to vent know. For those dumb people who I'm sure will be reading this vent means to let it out k :] So where should I begin hmm. I met this chick. I really went out to bat for her and really was the great caring guy that I am. Honestly from the beginning she acted as though nothing I said meant anything and it bugged me yeah but I let it go. From then on we actually became close both emotionally and physically. But wait thats skipping way too far. So hmm where did I start. Well prom came and I told her I wanted to go with her. She said she wanted to go with me as well but her dad would never let her go. So what do I do, I meet her parents and talk to her dad man to man asking him to let her go to prom. Was I scared? A bit but I thought she was worth it. So from then on I find out that she could go but I had to pay. So I pay for her ticket, corsage, food, and party bus ticket, yeah it was a lot of money but I cared and really wanted to go with her. So we go to prom and she makes the first move and kisses me. Then we go on acting like a couple, but we weren't a couple. Why? Because she didn't want to. So I was like okay I'll wait for her like a gentleman. AP testing goes by and I find out from my best friend that she met that she is holding hands with another dude at the staff vs teachers game. Wtf. Where did this come from. I had thought that we were basically still an item and this catches me by surprise. I call her out on it that weekend and she basically acts like a bitch to me and tells me that she doesn't care. After I finish venting to her she finally apologizes and says she didn't want this to happen to her and yet she did it. She said she didn't want to be just "some girl" to me. I saw the good in that and said whatever lets work past it. So I keep trying the whole week and then that next friday my own little brother who has befriended her; made friends with for all those stupid people :], saw her holding hands with the guy again. So I'm like fuck this. The next day I find out from a close friend that she's been making out with the guy every morning before class. Then to hear my own little brother say "Damn dude they go at it." Damn imagine how much of a fool I feel like. Damn. I got played sick by this chick. I introduced her to my family, something I have NEVER done before. And to hear it from my best friend and my own little brother. Damn you couldn't wait till the end of the year or at least tell me that this can't go on. You would have never told me if I hadn't found out. But damn. I got played by some chick.
Fuck you Karla.
/rant.

A time to let it out

So I don't really post that often but I felt like I should for some reason. So the year is about to end. People have told me you're going to miss high school its going to be the best years of your life. What do I think of that? Meh. Good riddance I say. I'm done with everything high school stands for. It's time for me to be blunt. Fuck high school. Fuck the people; fuck the atmosphere; fuck what it stands for. It corrupts everyone. I walk around school and see the people. A bunch of idiots. The whole lot of them. There the kind of people that make this world a worst place to live in. You judge, you hurt, you laugh. An endless cycle. You say fuck all haters but in the end you end up being one of them. The school is a bunch of idiots. People with nothing to do but make the lives of others worse. People that take too much time obsessing over little problems and making big scenes. People going out and fighting others because someone was talking shit. Everything is just unnecessary, those people are unnecessary. I am saddened that this is just the beginning. They are just getting worse and worse. Fortunately for me I have found the road to get ahead and beyond this shithole of a school. Goodbye, Ill write something nice later.

Holding Back.

I've been keeping shut for so long. It's hard to take it. The frustration, the indecisiveness, the constant reminder that everything around me is fading. Holding it all in for so long. Being treated like a child. Made it so that I cannot even think anything. I'm scared to tell them anything. Feeling as though I'm not good enough. Feels as if what I seek is moving away from me. I hate it. They keep messing with my head toying with my emotions. In the end it all ends the same, me stuck in a dark room alone to deal with everything alone. [literally and figuratively] These thoughts pile up, feelings of insecurity and doubting take shape. They don't like me for me. I'm just one that amuses them. I'm too good to them all. They take this as an invitation to walk all over me. Thank you.

We never are able to discuss things of meaning. Always avoiding the subject. It can never get to that point with you. Just when it begins to show signs of meaning bam just childish stuff again. My head is spinning and I am left here trying to slow it down.

"A Mediocre Waste"

You could never really win
Not to say you’re born to lose
You were born to take 10th place
Out of 20 in a field
Mistakes flow through your veins
A mediocre waste
Your life’s a living hell
You got gremlins in your blood cells
And monsters in your bed
Are haunting you again
Oh, it must be this place
At least that’s what you say, say, say
You don’t love you anymore
Cast your demons aside
Getting close enough to know what you’re running from
Soon you won’t feel this anymore
Cast your demons aside
Getting close enough to know that you’re moving on
A fire used to burn
In your heart and in your eyes
You used to dream, you used to care
You used to love, you used to fight
For anything at all
You cover up your bedroom walls
With who you want to be
Now you’re afraid to be yourself
And you search the walls for something
You read magazines and watch MTV
You practiced it and everything
Oh, you’re dressed to impress
But you look like a drag queen
You don’t love you anymore
Cast your demons aside
Getting close enough to know what you’re running from
Soon you won’t feel this anymore
Cast your demons aside
Getting close enough to know that you’re moving on
So keep your head up high
Stretch inches miles
Because Brooklyn wasn’t built in just a day
Focus on important things
And be your own guy
Like every ghost that held you down was gone
Getting close enough to know that you’re moving on
You don’t love you anymore
Cast your demons aside
Getting close enough to know what you’re running from
And soon you won’t feel this anymore
Cast your demons aside
Getting close enough to know that you’re moving on

Song sums it all up. It sums up my efforts and the changes that have occurred within me for the past couple years. The optimism that I have used to carry me by is fading. The realist in me has begun to come out.

I'm me.

"Once you accept its fate, your better off dead."

I really got to stop doing this. Feeling all sorry for myself. I just make a bigger scene. I got to stop acting like such a little bitch. So what if life don't go my way no need to cry over it.

- -------------In progress-----

Ugh.

"You can all just kiss off into the air, behind my back I can see them stare, They'll hurt me bad, but I wont mind, they'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time."

This quote pretty much sums up my life in a nutshell. I'm so fucking good to people. But time and time again everyone hurts me. Yet I keep being good. Don't be starting fights with others. I fix shit when I can. I'm that shoulder to cry on. Yet time and time again in the end I'm left to myself. I treat all with some amount of respect but I myself am not respected.

Squirrel. I guess thats what they sum my life as. Peanut brain and all. Thats what all of you refer to me. I try to show my intellectual side to all you and then what? He's just a squirrel. Fuck you. I hate you.

I hate that as I walk around with a smile on my face theres always one to tear me down. To crush me. How is it that I'm there for you all when you need help and you repay me by making me feel like what I tried so hard to keep you feeling. Fuck you. I hate you.


I hate you. I hate all of you who judge me. Fuck you. Who are you to judge. You don't know me. None of you do.

But hey thank you. Thank you for making me feel this way. Thank you for once again reinforcing the fact of what I truly am. A nuisance. Just a bother. Something to poke fun of at. Just to boost your own ego. Every single one of you. No exceptions. I've become so superficial just to please all of you.

I guess a life of silence sounds much nicer than the noise I bring.



"This is R-E-A-L-I-T-Y."

Take me back....

Take me back to simpler times. When the choices we made were rather if we wanted the cookie or the ice cream. Where thirty-five cents was all you needed for snacks. Where we had no worry about anything. When all we waited for was the bell to ring for recess. Before we grew the fear of rejection. Back when crushes were cute and cartoons were great. Take me back.

Time ticks away as I type the next word. Time. What is that anyway. Just a name. How sad that we can describe a persons whole existence in one word. Life. What happens if the next moment is our last. What if everything we had, scratch that, everything we thought we had is all a facade. If everything we thought we did to better our lives didn't mean shit.

It brings me back to a story I heard. Basically his life was told to me like this. Man works hard all his life. He does great in high school, gets into a good college. He works hard in college to be able to get what he wants. The day comes, graduation. He graduates.

Then he passes away that night.

Life eh?

?

So. Yah.

Have alot racing through my head.
I don't want to be thinking about that anymore.
I can't. Whats done is done.
Whatever.

Formspring had honestly made my life pretty confusing yet I can't help but be addicted.
Those questions, but yet I do not know the asker.
Ugh.

Too many people in my life and they all confuse me.
Can it?
Will it?
Should I?
Could I?
I need to meet knew people, a clean slate.
Tabula Rasa.

2009: The Recap.

Part I: The Transformation
So this is where it all began. It originally started up around December of 08' but the mission to transform me into something better began during the winter break. Missions were made and the process of breaking out of the shell I placed myself in began. First thing, the clothes. Everything had to go, the tight pants, the tight shirts, the overly use of team clothing. All gone. Took a while, and I couldn't do anything without the advice of them. I could not think for myself. I was like a child learning the ways of the world. Pretty sad really. Second thing, lose the hair cut. Time to let that old cut go and start changing up the hair as well. Confidence began to rise slowly but I was still so dependent on them. Asking them for advice, "the rules" etc. Their goal? To make me into one of them. To raise my confidence up and get girls. Honestly that was the original goal. I really just wanted to get girls like they did. They all made it look so easy. They came in and owned the atmosphere and the girls just came. I wanted that. Soon it evolved from that. I kept moving forward and soon my dependency for them faded. That's not without it's downhills as well. First the girl that I was stuck on. Took a while, got pretty pathetic, that's all I can say about that. Second was the struggle between my morals and what I was becoming. I felt up until the end of the year that who I once was was fading away slowly.

Part II: The Bandits
As we began to hang out more and more, the four of us. Davis, Daniel, Armaan, and I. We all spent New Years together and we began to become close. Every weekend something new. One week the mall where missions ensued always, another lazer quest where I got my Greek name (Cicero), Another week the movies, Angels & Demons. Hot Chocolate on the rooftop, shopping cart antics, idiot on the hood etc. Just times to remember. One day we got the name for the group, it came from Davis' sister; The Bandits. It began with the four of us, anyone who tells you any different is a liar. Going to parties and finding girls. Ahhh the life. Then came Henry, and the heirarchy began as well. Henry, Davis, Armaan, Daniel, then me. But whatever. I was happy. Still the goal to move up and become the guy to get the girls. As time when on Anthony finally became apart of it. He always denied it but we all knew he was bound to be apart of it. Late summer is when my brother came in, but not without initiation.... Around homecoming is when Brady in which he buys Davis his food instead of initiation. Carmen comes later unexpectedly and is the first and still only female bandit. In short thats the story of the bandits, well of 2009.

Part III: Track Season
This season came hard. No real coach so everything that we ran only came from our work. That meant two runs a day to get up to real milage. Me and Hernan were up for it. In retrospect our season was not very fast but we did the best we could with what we had. Hernan became the fastest 800 runner in the school and I became the fastest 2 miler in the school. The mile on the other hand came with our share of close calls. Hernan goes 5:01 and I got 5:03, I go 5:02 and Hernan goes 4:56. Hernan did not run the mile faster due to SAT. The attraction of the 4x4 also got to me and I began to fear the 2 mile. Skipped it at Colony and ran the 4x4, got a :58 split. League finals came and in the mile pre-lims I ran a 4:57 to get to finals. Skipped finals for the 2 mile and ran the race of my life to a best of 10:45. Less than 10 minutes later.... Another 4x4....
1:00 but whatever. Decent season.

Part IV: Cross Country
The preparation began a mere two weeks after track season. Alot of running was done that summer. Milage went up, 10 mile days, 13 mile days, alot of fun. Very calming, very nice. I set up 2 camps for that summer, Silverwood with Chaffey and Runners Workshop. I spent 6 months coming up with the money for Runners Workshop. Saving up coins, allowance, washing cars, etc. I payed it off and was set. Silverwood came and I met some great people. Paul and Rudy where the people I ran with, very consistant runners. On the final day I was asked to join the Roadrunners Running Club and I accepted. Two days later I was off to Malibu for Runners Workshop. Best week of my life. Thanks to everything I learned from the guys I was able to talk to this girl that I saw there(Crissy), needless to say she made that week great for me. I learned alot of running techniques and met alot of great people. The season came and unfortunately for me I was plagued with sickness which destroyed me. The season was filled with disapointing races and a rivalry with Colony in which overtook our whole team. The team destroyed itself because of internal fighting. Unfortunately for us we were not able to break the school record but were able to become the best team in Montclair history. Following a disapointing CIF, I called the roadrunners and joined up with them. Firs passing on Association and taking third at Regionals and then making Nationals. A final race in Reno, best race of my life.

Part V: The Girl
It happened, bad situation. Met her randomly. Hung out during track. She was my first honestly for alot of things. She broke it off. She started talking to me months later telling me how she misses me. We hung out again, find out stuff from a friend. I shrug it off. We went out. She broke up with me after 4 days. We stop talking. She starts talking to me again saying how she misses me. -.- We hang out again and things get confusing... (Dont find out till later). We get together. I end it because I think was going for the wrong reasons. I needed closure and I got it, somewhat I guess.... I made it so that she hates me so that I could finally say goodbye forever. It's hard though cause part of me goes back. but whatever. I said those things knowing what was going to happen. Funny though cause I go back and I get the weird feeling. Ugh. I tried to burn the pic, and honestly at this moment theres a fire in the fireplace. But like I said many times before. I will never forget her. No matter how much I try, its really impossible. The vagueness is used on purpose cause noone needs to know everything. But like I said, it happened.