A year from the day before yesterday.

Received some shocking news from a fellow Track Talk poster. It went something along the lines of "Homeless killed himself!!!!". Now any other person that I know in real life would have taken the news and wouldn't have understood. I told my neighbor about it yesterday night and all he said was "Did you know him?" I responded he was a poster on one of the websites I go on and he just responded "So what.". The reality is although most of us on Track Talk didn't actually know him we still had a connection to him by what he wrote. We lost one of our own last night, a runner, an intellectual. It's sad to see the good people go, especially in the way this happened. Rest In Peace Chris Phillips, although I never had the pleasure of meeting you in person thank you for the contribution that you have brought to this world. As I've seen on both Track Talk and on your website you have had a major impact on many people in this world and it's sad to see you go.

It just reinforces to me what happened a year from the day before yesterday. I remember it like it was yesterday. My neighbor, cousin, younger brother and I had just got back from the football game and we had just bought some beer to party it up that night. We stopped by my house for some reason and all we hear is my dad yell out to us, "Cristobal, Steven, Gabriel, Gerardo, get over here now!" We all were wondering what did we do, are we in trouble etc... We walked over to our neighbors porch and what I saw that night is still instilled in my mind. It was my Gerardo's mother Mari, my neighbor Crystal, and my own mom sobbing frantically. I could even see tears in the eyes of Gerardo's father Gerardo, Crystal's husband Julian and even my own father. All the adults were visibly shaken but we had no idea about what. Julian walks up to us. Julian is a young guy, 25 years old with 3 kids. He has served in the middle east and at the time was in the process of become a sheriff. He usually kept his composure pretty well but not today. I could see it in his eyes, something horrible had just happened. He was a wreck. He tells us, "What I am about to tell you might shock you, if you have any questions I will answer them." We all asked what happened. He replied solemnly, "Angela committed suicide." Needless to say we never expected to hear this. We stood there in shock and Julian asked us, "Do you guys want to know how it happened?" We all said yes. He described what happened in detail and I just have to say nothing anyone teaches you prepares you for something like this. Our own friend hung herself. I walked back to my house in silence. I went to my room and locked the door and tried to cry. I couldn't. I laid there an emotionless wreck, a kid who was overcome with emotions that he didn't even know what to feel just waiting for the moment where the levy would break and the emotions would pour out.

Angela was part of the group ever since we first met her. I remember quite well. I had just got back from my friends party and my dad had told me that there was girls over at my neighbor Julian's house. So I decided to go. That is the night where I first met Angela and Alexis. They were Julian's nieces. They were both pretty crazy girls that didn't care about what they did. They got along well with us. After that night they both began to come over to my neighbors house quite often. We'd hear Angela came to visit and we would be there for the whole day. Our group usually doesn't bring people in. We are a pretty close group that usually fights with each other a lot but in the end still has each others back. We are basically family. She was funny and crazy but inside was a wreck. I still remember the last time I saw her alive, going to fresh and easy because my brother was trying to go vegetarian. So much laughs came out of that day. I never knew that that day would be the last day I could laugh with my friend.

We came to the viewing of her body. The church was filled past capacity and people were forced to stand outside. There was no way to move. I remember seeing everyone in bright colors (the wish of the family), crying their hearts out. I still could not cry. Guys and girls were just sobbing. She had made an impact in many peoples lives and that proved to be true that day. She had so many people to support her yet this was the outcome. As we began to walk to the casket to view her body, it just was time until I finally cracked. I finally got to the front and saw what was supposed to be her. I instantly started bawling. I couldn't take it. It wasn't her. Yes it was her body but it wasn't her. I walked out and sat on the curb and cried. I was in public but I didn't care. I lost my friend.

I still have the image of the funeral engraved into my mind. I was taking care of my little neighbor Adrian. I carried him the whole time while I cried my eyes out. I remember him telling me "What happened to her, what happened?" That broke my heart. I find out later that he was saying, "What happened to dirt?" Oh the innocence of a child. I have The Beatles instilled in my head for life because whenever I hear, Imagine, The Fool on the Hill, or And I love her, I instantly think of her because that's what they played at her funeral. I remember watching that pink casket being placed into the ground. Julian could not take it, he laid in his truck while this all happened. All of this will be engraved into my head forever.

I have always been very open about the subject. Gerardo, Gabriel, and Steven have been the opposite. They are all incredibly angry. It didn't have to happen. We were all there for her if she needed us. I am pretty sure Gabriel will never speak about this. I noticed during the summer that whenever we would drink it would always end up the same, us speaking of Angela. As the anniversary of her death came closer and closer she began to come up in our drunken state more often and it would result in sobbing and anger. Hopefully you are at peace wherever you are Angela, because we miss you a lot.

This should come as a lesson for anyone. Suicide is not the way to go people. You have many people that are willing to lend a hand when you need it. This does not need to happen. It leaves your family and friends a wreck, I know because I began to tear up as I typed this up. If you are in despair talk to someone, anyone. Even if I don't really know you I will be happy to listen and help.

R.I.P. Angela Fuentes (9.17.2009) & Chris "Homeless" Phillips (9.18.2010)

You will be and are missed.

Sincerely,
Cristobal Gutierrez